Oh my God. My son Alex just turned three. He’s the same age as my daughter was when she died. 

I never thought I’d feel like this, but somehow I’m afraid. What if the same thing happens again?

My rational mind knows it won’t happen, but how do you stop yourself feeling those emotions? Every time he gets a fever my anxiety is triggered. It takes me a whole day to pull myself together again. Will it be like this forever?

 

Have you ever found your mind running ahead of you with that dreaded thought “what if it happens again?”

After Nela died I became so frightened for my son Žan. He was born with heart problems, so naturally I was fearful that history would repeat itself.

What if he died too? 

I had to make a conscious choice not to go down that path. I couldn’t allow myself to become consumed with the idea I’d lose him too. I forced myself to let go… to trust in him and in life itself.

Was it easy? 

Hell no! I was scared right down to my bones! But I had faith in Nela. I knew she would help. I knew she’d watch over him. And she did. 

As always, I had to go to extreme lengths to test my theory.

Žan was only six when Nela died. That summer he decided to go to sea camp for two weeks. It would be his first time ever without me. I was so afraid. Words just can’t describe my feelings. But instead of refusing him to go, I encouraged him. He wanted to go, and I had to have faith that everything would be alright. 

Let’s just say that those two weeks were an incredibly intense and difficult time for me. But I did it. I let him go,  and I refused to buy into my fear. At the end of the two weeks when he came home safe and sound, I knew I’d done the right thing – both for myself and for him.

He never went to camp ever again. Although he had a good time, he just decided it wasn’t for him. There have been many times since when I considered this was just a test I had to pass. Should I cling on to my child and hold on to my fears? Or put my trust in the Universe and let it be?

I think I’ve answered my question. Of course there are still times when I’m worried or anxious about my children. It’s only natural. But when that happens I turn to Nela for help. She watches over him and takes care of him. I trust her implicitly. We have a deal. No more of my children will die before me. Without trust, life becomes very difficult. 

What about you? 

Would you like to conquer your fears and stay connected to your loved one? Do you want to ask him or her to help but don’t know how? 

Connect with me on Fb, Instagram or my Youtube channel.

Or write to me milena.kosak@ario.net

 

With love
Milena